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And A Few Movies We'd Like To See . . .


"Master And Commando: The Arnold Side Of The World"

"Hey Billy, stop being a little girlie-man and fire da cannon . . ."


"Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The Ring"

Let us see what typical Hollywood sequel-fever will do to a classic tale . . .


"War And Peace With Walt Disney"

His alter-ego is Adolf Hitler—notice how they both have a mustache fetish . . .


"Die Hard V: Hostages At Hogwarts"

John McClaine is buying potions for hair tonic when he realizes a startling resemblance between Snape and Hans Gruber . . .


"Father Of The Corpse Bride"

Steve Martin’s hair has always been unnaturally white . . .


"Rocky VS Rambo"

Not knowing which sequel to favor in promotion, Sly approves a computer simulation of the two icons to let them fight it out, and he will go with the winner . . .


"Butt Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest Hair"

The treasure map is actually the dead man’s underwear and ‘X’ really marks the spot . . .


"Star Wars Episode IV" remake

Starring Hulk Hogan as Darth Vader ("Give in to the dark side, I'm your father, brother!"), Howard Stern as Chewbacca (is it me or does he look a lot like Peter Mayhew in these days?), and Pee Wee Herman as Obi-Wan Kenobi ("This isn’t the bicycle you’re looking for . . .")


"Charlie And The Chocolat"

Having seen a certain romantic Johnny Depp film, Willy Wonka creates a new, love-inducing chocolat for all the kiddies who visit him behind closed (green) doors . . .


"G.I. Joe" by Disney Studios

Every combat soldier will have talking weapons like the flute in H.R. Puff-&-Stuff, Destro will have a song number, everyone else will have to sing and dance every 10 minutes or so, Cobra Commander’s great scheme is to replace the Disney Castle logo with that of the Cobra Temple, and when he removes his mask he is revealed to be Bill Gates . . .


"Rob In Hood"

A dude named ‘Rob’ who lives in ‘da hood’ is going to steal drugs from pimps and give them to their prostitutes, just "Robbin’ the bitch to give to the whore . . ."


"Staarrr Wars"

Captain Solo, Panaka, Lando and Yoda already seem well on their way to being pirates, so why not just let them fulfill their destiny? Don't believe me? Click here and scroll down past the White House planning session . . .


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