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Pulling Your Chain

Playing a home-made module of the classic laser disc game "Dragon’s Lair", our hero was told by another player to "Pull the chain!" This unleashed the moat onto him. Apparently he did not notice the wet floor, the water leaking from beneath the massive and rusted iron door that covered the entire wall behind the chain, nor the wide grins on the faces of the other players who knew the video game and were just waiting to see if he was dumb enough to trust the guy who had already picked his pocket . . . twice.


"I’m Not Dead Yet": The Naked Spaniard

A pirate crew comes to a small island ringed by a coral reef. The player characters disembark from their ship, carry a longboat over the reef, and proceed to the island, and proceed to run afoul of the cannibals. One of them, a Spaniard, takes the gold and runs back to the beach! Or, tries to run. He took to ‘running’ through the trees, like a naked Spanish Tarzan. After destroying the rest of the party, the cannibals give chase. Our Spaniard has forgotten that gold and clothing weighs one down in the water, and that no ill-gotten gains will buy your way through the Pearly Gates. Yet, to paraphrase one historical Spaniard, "We Spanish suffer from a disease of greed which only gold can cure", and indeed our Spaniard did, stripping down to the clothes God gave him, used them to make an improv sack for carrying ALL the gold, and started swimming. The natives have boats, as they always do. So our Spaniard hid in an air pocket in the reef, then backtracked underwater to the island, still with the money. He later had to flee and escape again, went back out right past the same hidey-hole where he could have left the loot the first time, and when he finally made it to the ship, he had to give up his hard earned gold because, as ship’s articles demand equal division of all moneys among the crew. The Naked Spaniard later ended up in a small room, very sweaty, tied to the wall, with other sweaty men looking over him (now, you decide—is he in a prison or a porno?)


"I’m Not Dead Yet": Grandpa Bubbakins And The Monster Masher

This player always liked to have his ‘monster mashers’, his ‘unique’ weapons that he had with every character—two lead pipes filled with cement. But when forced by his GM to try something different, he took a magician, and while restricted from using swords he was allowed ‘staves’, so he got himself a 15’ pole with a massive, spiked ball on one end, and a uni-wheel device on the other end for pushing it around. He felt that if he just dropped it for its ‘one-use attack’, it would scare any other enemies away. Well, it worked, in a way, crushing the head of the party’s leader, though it DID cause all the monsters a defeat, as they were so overcome with laughter that Bubbakins was able to unleash a chained-lightning spell on them all.



Newbie to the group is given the usual ‘our world is different’ yadda-yadda-yadda. Among the specifics that really matter is that nobody has saving throws or can use spells or magical items except those who train or specialize in them. Well, we can see how seriously our new player is taking everything based on his character’s name—‘Wave’. Later in the dungeon, he finds a magic wand, and, fighter that he is, decides to wave it around. Not surprisingly, the GM has to roll on random, chaotic, unpredictable, pants-filling charts. A few dice rolls later, the entire party is frozen solid. So endeth another band of adventurers, done in by the gaming world’s equivalent of a ‘ball hog’. Wave bye-bye to this newbie.


I Want To Talk To It

Ever had a player who continually wanted to do the same dumb thing? Like talk to monsters? Okay, sure, a good parley is better than battle when monsters have clues or other value, but talking for talking’s sake is what our intrepid ‘James’ always insisted on. Unfortunately for him, his fellow party members—always his backup—decided to learn him his lesson by stepping back when his precious ninja character tried engage a beholder in a battle of wits. Why he presumed beholders (or ninjas for that matter) would prefer to talk was beyond anyone else’s understanding, and also beyond anyone else’s ability to restrain their laughter when James’ last words were "Look, it has a HUGE mouth, that means it must know a lot of languages, and so it’s a highly intelligent creature, and they LIKE to talk! Look at dragons!" Um, look BEHIND you James, as that big mouth is opening very wide indeed . . .


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